Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
