i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
