cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
