i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
