He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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