Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
