god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
