I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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