Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
