Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize