dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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