Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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