Quick, to the slutcave!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
