Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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