my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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