There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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