Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think I won the penis lottery.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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