so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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