In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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