Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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