Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
