I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
