Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
