you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize