He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
