Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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