Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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