If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
