dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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