the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
