He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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