Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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