This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
