So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
