8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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