No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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