Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
