I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
