He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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