I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
