You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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