how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
