This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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