Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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