at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My bed smells like the plague
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
