It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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