Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
