I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize