ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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