i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
