I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
