And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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