If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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