Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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